Waiting in the Gap

This blog was initiated to document the two month adventure to England I embarked on last summer. I am mildly amused at how aptly the title fits my life right now. 

It's name was derived from the all-too-common phrase said hundreds of times in every tube-station every day. It was meant to be a travel blog, but as I soon discovered, I was traveling so much I never had any time to blog. I am not upset by this, however, because I can't complain when life gets in the way of blogging. Now as I return to this blog, nearly a year later,

For those of you who have never been to England, I'd like you to know that you are missing out on a transportation ritual that is as amusing as it is annoying - amusing as an uninvolved observer, annoying as a participant - that is the boarding and riding of the Tube. The ritual first begins as the train starts to slow down from it's slightly awkward mad dash through the intricate tunnels found under the greater London area. Masses of people crowd around where they believe the doors will eventually end up. This location is usually chosen at random by someone who looks like they know what they're doing. This person invariable lulls the trusting followers around him into a state of false security - false, because the door is always four feet past where you planned on it being and you're stuck directly between the two doors. Then you have to choose which door to take and you almost always choose the side that is most packed with people. As the doors open you are informed by a frightfully posh woman to "please allow all passengers off the train before boarding" or something to that affect. The Brits, always ones for sticking to the rules, allow the passengers to disembark while at all times inching onto the Tube. Once you're safely on, there all sorts of pecularities to be observed and/or annoyed by - the way people manage to read in the most awkward positions just to avoid eye contact, different tactics for securing a seat, foreigners making loud conversation across the car, the list goes on.

This is all fun to talk about, but the bit that most interests me is what you're told as the Tube careens past before coming to that screeching halt: "PLEASE MIND THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE PLATFORM." To me that phrase has had many meanings. At the beginning of this blog, the gap was physical, a literal ocean that stretched for thousands of miles separating the home I've grown up in and the home I've grown to love, the family and friends who have raised and supported me, and the family that was quickly becoming just as close to my heart, my past heartache and a future filled with love and respect. In many ways it still means that for me.

But right now I am stuck in that gap. It's the gap between solid ground and the rushing future.

My time in college was uncharacteristically stable, not emotionally maybe, but I had a glimpse of a settled life, especially in my final year. I had my own house, a gym membership, a steady job and a group of friends like I've never had and doubt will have again to the same degree. This time was my platform. It was a place to facilitate my future, a future that was bright and hopeful, a future that would take me to lands that I could only dream of and to dreams made reality. While I enjoyed my time in college as one enjoys a pleasant wait on a platform, I was always mindful of the impending train.

My final class came and went. Then it was my final test, then it was a final dinner with friends. Making sure my bags were packed with all I needed for my journey, both literally and metaphorically, I stood up crossed the small platform, waited for those doors to open and proceed to walk onto the train...

...then froze as the infinitesimal gap, a matter of mere months compared to the expanse of eternity, stretched into a gap that threatened (and persists in threatening) to swallow me daily. 

This gap between platform and train has challenged me in ways I didn't think I could be challenged.

As someone who has always had purpose and direction in life, to find myself suddenly in a space where the former is lacking and the later is suspended has led to listlessness, irritability, and even mild depression despite my best efforts to stay motivated in reading projects, cooking projects, cleaning projects and even self-imposed research projects. Don't get me wrong, the first two months were lovely. But as this purposeless, directionless time stretched into a third month I was quickly overwhelmed. Who knew right? :P :) I think if I had known this time would be so fraught, if I had heeded the warning, I would not have stumbled so clumsily into this gap.

Thankfully, my recent trip to England has calmed and stabled me, as lovely mountains, quaint villages, village shops, old antique book stores, tea and biscuits, and the love and admiration of an incredible man do. I'm still stuck in the gap, but the end is coming, and as my foot gets nearer and nearer the floor and my future once more begins to rush at me, I feel the passion and excitement that I'm known for grow and bubble to overflowing as it did before.

Isn't he handsome?! #gush

I've returned state-side with new fervor directed towards the books I read, and the projects I take on. I find joy in my work, simple though it may be, and am trying to remain cheerful. I have a trip to D.C. for a graduation ceremony, a trip to New York for an acting competition, and a two-month visit from afore-mentioned young man to look forward to. All in all, life is pretty good.
Over the next few days I'll be blogging on my recent garden endeavors and cooking endeavors. We've discovered that Daniel, my brother, is allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts, corn, most meats and a host of other things....and he's an 18 year-old boy. Somehow, I've managed to find incredible recipes for pizza, cookies, bread, and even "breaded" chicken that are super yummy and packed with the nutrients he needs to recover. But that will all be in the next post.

For now, thanks for reading. :)